Mixed Emotions

Alright, I am starting to feel like there is some sort of hormone imbalance going on. One minute I feel elated and hopeful for the future, and the next I am looking for an isolated place to fall apart. What a roller coaster!

Just a few hours ago, I posted about the pathology results for my mom. And honestly, at the time, I felt very hopeful. The news was not ideal, but was still extremely relieving. God is truly at work helping us to catch this cancer very early! I felt good . . . relieved . . . in control of my emotions.

My mom called me a little later and told me that the oncologist had already come by her room to talk to her. He recommends that they wait 4-6 weeks to let her body heal from this surgery and then he will start her on 4 months of chemotherapy.

I knew that this was more than likely what he was going to say. I knew that it was necessary for her to undergo treatment. But when the words came out of her mouth, it was like the world slowed down and everything was in slow motion. Chemo . . . . it makes it feel so real. You would think that the diagnosis last week (which I have already admitted did not go over too well for me) and the major surgery a few days later would have made it feel "real" to me. But the thought of her undergoing chemo (being sick . . . losing her hair) for the next several months cut deeply.

And as I sit here now, letting it all sink in, I still don't know how to express how I feel about it. I don't doubt that God will take care of us. He already has. After all, I am surrounded by an obvious chain of events that have led us to this moment in time. I truly feel God's presence - His comfort and His peace. He has answered prayers - not exactly how I had hoped, but He has delivered her from what could have been a much worse situation. And I praise Him and thank Him for all that He has done. And in the next breath I feel lost, sad, and alone. Such a mix of emotions!

I guess that sometimes you just need a good cry, a big margarita, and a blog page to vent through . . . sorry!